Plans for the Future

Despite my stubbornness in listening to the advice of those who mean the best for me, I think I've finally made some tentative plans for how to go about my ambitions for going back to school and eventually becoming a professor. It happened after a long talk one night with a friend of mine, where I realized that I was being held back by my insistence that I couldn't do more than one thing at once ie: I couldn't be teaching school and studying at the same time. I had been resisting the idea of getting "trapped" as I put it into teaching school. My dad had suggested that to me since long ago, but since I'm often inclined to disagree with him out of long habit, I shrugged off the idea. I've lately been considering it more as I realize that more and more charter schools are hiring in positions that I could easily teach and enjoy working in. I'll be making more money than I'm making now by a long shot, able to be back on my own, having my own space and hopefully being closer to my friends. I definitely don't want to stay in my hometown...I love visiting back here, but living here is quite empty anymore, there's little here for me beyond family. I love my family dearly, but I have to look to my own future. So wish me luck as I apply for some teaching positions in the charter schools that I find that are hiring.

Connected With the World Again

I was without internet for a week last week, and finally got it back night before last. I didn't realize until it was gone how dependent I've become on it. Not only for things like news, checking the balance in my bank account, and all the practical things one might use it for, but also for the connection I feel the the friends I've made all over the country. I use IM and message boards, as well as sites like Facebook to keep in touch with so many people, and without it I felt lost and isolated to a surprising degree. Oh, I know there's always the phone for the ones I'm closest to, and boy did I use it (my phone bill was way higher than normal this month since I've been calling friends so much) but it's a whole different dynamic on the phone than what I'm used to. On IM you can have a whole group conversing at once on the same topic, you wont' get charged an insane amount for it like you do for long distance calling, and there aren't the same kind of awkward silences. I'm so glad to be connected again, and to know that I can be in touch with the people I care about. I didn't think I'd miss it this much until it was really gone.

Taekwondo Camp and My Level 3 Certification

This weekend I went up to Winter Park, CO for our annual Taekwondo camp, and to try to earn my level 3 certification and my black collar. It's a pretty big deal, and takes a lot of work. The drive up there was rough, though I went with some of my students, Sarah, Susan, and Susan's daughter Natalie. I'm really glad I wasn't driving because around about Leadville we got into a lovely snowstorm...in May. We left Thursday night after I got off work, and thankfully I got permission to leave early. Next morning we finished our trip, still in the snow, and arrived in time for check-in. Senior Master Thor was the one presiding over the camp, as he's the highest ranking black belt in the region. He also was the one in charge of the level 3 certification class. I was working hard all day Friday. Those who weren't certifying didn't have to be there until that evening. After meeting my roommates, one of whom was in my certification class, another of whom is an old friend, which was a pleasant surprise, we headed off to dinner and then to our first workout as a whole group. I was in squad 4, which meant we were wearing the purple headbands, and our squad leader was one of the instructors there to recertify, Matt Guy, who's absolutely hilarious. I had a good time learning from him, Mr. Kemmerling, Mr. Shields, Ms. McCray, Ms. Fatori, and Mrs. Turner. We worked during the day on our practice lessons that we'd have to demonstrate on Saturday night. First though, we had to get through Friday night. Our theme this year was fitness. Man, did that workout hurt. By the end I was on the point of total exhaustion, and we actually had a kid pass out from getting overheated. But it was still great to see a group that big of so many different ages and ranks all working together towards a common purpose. Next morning was workout at 6:30 am...what a way to start the day, but thankfully those workouts weren't really as hard as the night before. Next came what I was really looking forward to: learning the sword. We call it the Gumdo in Korean, and the class was taught by Mrs. Lorenz, who was strict, but a good teacher. Mr. Guy, Mr. Shannon, Miss Cousins, and Anne were all in the class with me, and I had a good time with all the kids I was working with. (By the way, if you're wondering, black belts all get called by their last names, regardless of age, and Miss Cousins is actually Anne's daughter, but Anne is only a purple belt.) Anyway, after the sword came kicks for the black belts, then lunch. After that was a self-defense lesson where I learned pressure points I hadn't seen before from Mr. Bass and heard some of Master Thor's (somewhat familiar, since he's my regular instructor) lectures on practical self defense. One more practice lesson towards certification, and then supper and nerves before our certification lessons, which were done before everyone. I was nervous, and Masther Thor said he saw that I was, but I did very well. He told me and the others who certified to meet in a seminar room at midnight for the official ceremony. Then I got to watch Mrs. Bradley and Mr. Shannon and a couple of other black belts test. Sarah Bradley did very well, and I'm certain she passed. I was actually not impressed with the other two black belts besides Mr. Shannon. Their kicks were a bit sloppy and the sparring was tournament style, not testing, not to mention they missed their board breaks. So did Mr. Shannon, but as he was only midterming, it's not a really big deal. He did great. Interspersed with all of this was the team competitions. We could do exercises for more points, like push ups, sit ups, and jumping rope. Mr. Overby was on our team, and he did a thousand push ups and sit ups. He looked like he wanted to cry by the end, but he was awesome. I had so much trouble staying awake until midnight, I was so wiped, but the ceremony was cool. The instructors all sat across a big lit candle from us and talked about what it meant to be an instructor and how we should look on it as a new dawn. Then we all did Songham 1, the white belt form together, sort of symbolic of that new beginning. I didn't sleep well, so I was pretty much running on auto pilot the next morning. 6:30 workout again, and then checking out and breakfast before the final team competition and award ceremony. Our team definitely didn't win, we came in second to last, but we had fun and that's what matters. We had fun working on the puzzles and figuring out how to make things work. In between times, the higher ranking black belts, myself included, got talked to ab out setting the example and really stepping up our leadership. I was proud to do it, and I definitely learned a lot this weekend that I wanted to implement in classes. We talked a lot about leadership and how we could make it play a bigger part in our regular lessons and try to make the other students see the value in it. Camp was rough, but I definitely want to go next year if I can. I'm sore and still tired, but I learned a lot and am proud of myself for earning my instructor certification. As soon as I get the official results I'll get my black collar on my uniform, and I promise I'll post a picture.

Worry

I'm a worrier by nature. Whenever I hear that something has happened that I can't control, I can't help but stress about it. Today I found out that a friend of mine might be quite ill, and though I was worried earlier from not knowing, once he told me the worst case scenario (blood tests are still pending) I felt a hundred times worse. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not knowing, not being able to do anything. I can't help but be scared. I want to help, but I don't know how. And as long as I know the worst case scenario, that's all I can think about. Injuries I can handle, those are somehow less serious in my mind. Illness though, where one's own body is out if their control, such a thought is so terrifying. I like being in control. Things that take me out of control are probably the scariest things in the world to me. It could be something as simple as stress, or it could be something really serious. My prayers are with my friend, and they're something of a comfort, but I still can't help but be scared.

My First Trip to Las Vegas

I'm back from my first ever trip to "Sin City". It was...quite an experience. The flight there was cake, and finding our hotel and everything was easy. We stayed at the Excalibur. Friday mom, Karla and I went walking down the strip, but it was easy to get lost. These giant casinos are like, blocks long, so easy to get disoriented in. Also, I got dragged along for the shopping, and since dad was at a boring machine shop, I was kind of stuck either way. That evening we went to the Tournament of Kings at the hotel, which was by far my favorite part of the weekend. We were sitting in the section cheering for France, and the king of France was incredibly hawt. Every time he rode by he would get the whole crowd cheering. Probably helped that our section was mostly girls who were more than willing to stand up and scream. Also, our king was the champion, and there were some amazing acrobats too. The staging was beautifully done. I had such a great evening that I was hoarse by the end, I could barely talk. Next morning was the drag races. The track in Vegas is nice, and our favorite drivers did very well. We also had tickets for the Checker Auto courtesy tent, which was great, as it was a quiet, shady spot with free water and lunch served.

However, after that, things started to go downhill. Dad and Mom insisted that we go out and check out the scene. We took a cab down the strip, even though I was incredibly tired already from the day at the races, and seeing all the lights and things was cool. We had dinner and my folks insisted that I get a drink, which was fine. Then we wandered through a few casinos and heard some music and things. Still ok, but I was getting even more tired. Next we took a cab down to Fremont Street, to see the light show. Also cool, and we saw a guy who was doing the most amazing paintings, with spray paint and putty knives. Such a cool concept that I actually bought one, which rocked. By then though, I was utterly exhausted, and wanting to go back to the hotel and sleep. But no. More shopping and more visiting casinos and clubs. I was trying to be a good sport, but I really find it difficult to have fun when I'm so tired and when I feel so out of my element. Gambling is not something that appeals to me at all, and I hate being in a crowd with loud music playing. Dad could sense that I was getting tired, and finally we went back to the hotel. They stayed downstairs to gamble a bit more, but I went straight upstairs and went to bed. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but my idea of fun is very different from that of my family in the long run.

Today I had to endure a lecture about this from my mom, who still insists that no, I can't possibly be as introverted as I say I am, and that I really need to learn to be more social. Is it really that hard to understand that I feel the way I feel and I'm not going to try to force change? I can handle being social in small doses, and on my terms. I think next time I go to Vegas it'll be more for the shows and the sights, and with people who don't want to just go out and get trashed and waste money. I felt so awkward gambling, it was like throwing money away, and it just felt wrong. If I'm going to spend money, I'm going to use it for something that I can show for it, rather than just a chance to get more.

Tolerance in Society

I guess this is a kind of serious topic for a blog with "fantasy" in the title. It's just something that I see more and more of, and that I'm finding is a real problem in our society. The problem of tolerance. I just read an article in People magazine, about a transgendered man who is having a baby. It frustrates me that such a thing actually is such a big deal that it makes news. In the end, what I see is a couple who are having a child, regardless of the details. The same goes for homosexual couples who want children. Children need families and parents who love them, and the gender or orientation of the parents shouldn't be a deciding factor. My dad accuses me of being too idealistic, but in my opinion it certainly wouldn't hurt anything for this society to be more tolerant. It infuriates me that society dictates appropriate gender behavior to a point where your clothes might be the deciding factor in a job interview and a child could be taken away from parents who love it because society disagrees with some concept of the family as "nontraditional". I've seen a lot of my friends who are gay or otherwise seen as "different" by society hurt at the hands of people who treat them like freaks or inferior beings just because they're afraid of the difference. I'm not perfect about this in any sense, but I've tried to be tolerant. I want people to know that they can feel safe and not like they're being judged by me with regards to their sexuality, their religion, or their choices. I may or may not agree with them, but it's not my place to tell them that their choices are right or wrong, and they should have the freedom to act on them without worrying about what people will think, as long as they're not hurting themselves or others or trying to force their beliefs.

Society is run by ads telling us what's ok, what we should look like or eat or do or think. Barbie tells us what beautiful looks like, commercials for makeup and weight loss tell us that we have to wear masks and be thin to be liked. If you don't like the latest music or the latest fashion or political cause or new toy, people laugh. I hate fashion and makeup in particular. I've been a tomboy my whole life, and as far as clothes are concerned I prefer practicality and comfort over whatever society tells me is fashionable. In the sense of society I almost wish a lot of the time I were a boy, because their clothing for the most part is so much more practical. I don't understand why beauty for women is dictated by clothing that is so uncomfortable and restricts movement to the point where all you can do is sit and wince. Heels are not only impractical but downright painful, pantyhose are a nuisance, and makeup may as well just be replaced by a mask to cover your face so that we can all look the same. We cover ourselves and strap ourselves and shape ourselves and paint ourselves until we look downright unnatural, and then call it beauty. I don't mind looking professional for a job, but I don't think I should have to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing just to make a good impression. I feel like if a suit and tie is good enough for a guy it should be good enough for a girl without the heels or the pantyhose, and if a guy likes to wear things like skirts and blouses and even makeup, he should be able to do so without society making a scene and asking him what's wrong with him. No one is less of a man or a woman because of what they wear or like or think or do. Men can be nurses or stay at home with their children and women can be wrestlers and construction workers, and still be beautiful, normal contributors to our society.

More on this subject later, since there are so many facets to discuss, but I had this on my mind and wanted to talk about it.

I wish I had good news to report...

I wish I had good news to report on my job interview last Wednesday, but no dice. I had hoped it would be my ticket out of this miserable job, but they told me I was too young. That's age discrimination, which I could potentially sue them for, but it's not worth it at this point. I just spent the weekend feeling really disappointed. Meanwhile, I'm resisting the temptation every single day to just quit before I get fired and say screw it anyway. Nothing about it is getting any better, and in some ways it's getting worse. My boss still makes me feel so nervous every time she's near me, and she has no idea of positive leadership. We get quality control feedback every month, things we're doing well and things we could improve on. She got the lists so she could look them over, and then she was supposed to forward them over to us. She did. She sent us a whole list of all the negative things we're screwing up on. Not a single positive word, just everything we did wrong. Then, the other day, I was on a kind of long call with someone who was practically in hysterics over her interest rate going up and the fear of losing her house. I was afraid she was going to have a panic attack right there while I was on the phone with her, and I did my best to calm her down and reassure her that we would try to work with her to solve this problem. I had her calm and working to make some solutions by the time I got off the call, and then my supervisor came up and was like, you should have used different words, we could have gotten sued. I had felt pretty proud of helping that lady until then, but I spent the rest of the afternoon kind of down, it's like she purposely came over to bust my bubble. *sigh* I have a few things to look forward to over the next few weeks, but I still feel so stuck in this miserable job. I want to get out of here, but moving isn't an option until this summer. I think what I'd like to do is find another job here at least through May, and then move back up to the Springs in June, provided I can get a decent job. I just have too much going on in the next two months to contemplate moving, and then having to ask for time off from a brand new job. Besides, until I get my money from Japan and my tax refund, I'm kinda too broke to contemplate moving. Seems like all I can do at the moment is hurry up and wait. At least if I could wait with a different job, one that didn't make me so miserable, this might be a bit more tolerable. I'll do the best I can to hold on, though, and try to find another job.