Worry

I'm a worrier by nature. Whenever I hear that something has happened that I can't control, I can't help but stress about it. Today I found out that a friend of mine might be quite ill, and though I was worried earlier from not knowing, once he told me the worst case scenario (blood tests are still pending) I felt a hundred times worse. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not knowing, not being able to do anything. I can't help but be scared. I want to help, but I don't know how. And as long as I know the worst case scenario, that's all I can think about. Injuries I can handle, those are somehow less serious in my mind. Illness though, where one's own body is out if their control, such a thought is so terrifying. I like being in control. Things that take me out of control are probably the scariest things in the world to me. It could be something as simple as stress, or it could be something really serious. My prayers are with my friend, and they're something of a comfort, but I still can't help but be scared.

My First Trip to Las Vegas

I'm back from my first ever trip to "Sin City". It was...quite an experience. The flight there was cake, and finding our hotel and everything was easy. We stayed at the Excalibur. Friday mom, Karla and I went walking down the strip, but it was easy to get lost. These giant casinos are like, blocks long, so easy to get disoriented in. Also, I got dragged along for the shopping, and since dad was at a boring machine shop, I was kind of stuck either way. That evening we went to the Tournament of Kings at the hotel, which was by far my favorite part of the weekend. We were sitting in the section cheering for France, and the king of France was incredibly hawt. Every time he rode by he would get the whole crowd cheering. Probably helped that our section was mostly girls who were more than willing to stand up and scream. Also, our king was the champion, and there were some amazing acrobats too. The staging was beautifully done. I had such a great evening that I was hoarse by the end, I could barely talk. Next morning was the drag races. The track in Vegas is nice, and our favorite drivers did very well. We also had tickets for the Checker Auto courtesy tent, which was great, as it was a quiet, shady spot with free water and lunch served.

However, after that, things started to go downhill. Dad and Mom insisted that we go out and check out the scene. We took a cab down the strip, even though I was incredibly tired already from the day at the races, and seeing all the lights and things was cool. We had dinner and my folks insisted that I get a drink, which was fine. Then we wandered through a few casinos and heard some music and things. Still ok, but I was getting even more tired. Next we took a cab down to Fremont Street, to see the light show. Also cool, and we saw a guy who was doing the most amazing paintings, with spray paint and putty knives. Such a cool concept that I actually bought one, which rocked. By then though, I was utterly exhausted, and wanting to go back to the hotel and sleep. But no. More shopping and more visiting casinos and clubs. I was trying to be a good sport, but I really find it difficult to have fun when I'm so tired and when I feel so out of my element. Gambling is not something that appeals to me at all, and I hate being in a crowd with loud music playing. Dad could sense that I was getting tired, and finally we went back to the hotel. They stayed downstairs to gamble a bit more, but I went straight upstairs and went to bed. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but my idea of fun is very different from that of my family in the long run.

Today I had to endure a lecture about this from my mom, who still insists that no, I can't possibly be as introverted as I say I am, and that I really need to learn to be more social. Is it really that hard to understand that I feel the way I feel and I'm not going to try to force change? I can handle being social in small doses, and on my terms. I think next time I go to Vegas it'll be more for the shows and the sights, and with people who don't want to just go out and get trashed and waste money. I felt so awkward gambling, it was like throwing money away, and it just felt wrong. If I'm going to spend money, I'm going to use it for something that I can show for it, rather than just a chance to get more.

Tolerance in Society

I guess this is a kind of serious topic for a blog with "fantasy" in the title. It's just something that I see more and more of, and that I'm finding is a real problem in our society. The problem of tolerance. I just read an article in People magazine, about a transgendered man who is having a baby. It frustrates me that such a thing actually is such a big deal that it makes news. In the end, what I see is a couple who are having a child, regardless of the details. The same goes for homosexual couples who want children. Children need families and parents who love them, and the gender or orientation of the parents shouldn't be a deciding factor. My dad accuses me of being too idealistic, but in my opinion it certainly wouldn't hurt anything for this society to be more tolerant. It infuriates me that society dictates appropriate gender behavior to a point where your clothes might be the deciding factor in a job interview and a child could be taken away from parents who love it because society disagrees with some concept of the family as "nontraditional". I've seen a lot of my friends who are gay or otherwise seen as "different" by society hurt at the hands of people who treat them like freaks or inferior beings just because they're afraid of the difference. I'm not perfect about this in any sense, but I've tried to be tolerant. I want people to know that they can feel safe and not like they're being judged by me with regards to their sexuality, their religion, or their choices. I may or may not agree with them, but it's not my place to tell them that their choices are right or wrong, and they should have the freedom to act on them without worrying about what people will think, as long as they're not hurting themselves or others or trying to force their beliefs.

Society is run by ads telling us what's ok, what we should look like or eat or do or think. Barbie tells us what beautiful looks like, commercials for makeup and weight loss tell us that we have to wear masks and be thin to be liked. If you don't like the latest music or the latest fashion or political cause or new toy, people laugh. I hate fashion and makeup in particular. I've been a tomboy my whole life, and as far as clothes are concerned I prefer practicality and comfort over whatever society tells me is fashionable. In the sense of society I almost wish a lot of the time I were a boy, because their clothing for the most part is so much more practical. I don't understand why beauty for women is dictated by clothing that is so uncomfortable and restricts movement to the point where all you can do is sit and wince. Heels are not only impractical but downright painful, pantyhose are a nuisance, and makeup may as well just be replaced by a mask to cover your face so that we can all look the same. We cover ourselves and strap ourselves and shape ourselves and paint ourselves until we look downright unnatural, and then call it beauty. I don't mind looking professional for a job, but I don't think I should have to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing just to make a good impression. I feel like if a suit and tie is good enough for a guy it should be good enough for a girl without the heels or the pantyhose, and if a guy likes to wear things like skirts and blouses and even makeup, he should be able to do so without society making a scene and asking him what's wrong with him. No one is less of a man or a woman because of what they wear or like or think or do. Men can be nurses or stay at home with their children and women can be wrestlers and construction workers, and still be beautiful, normal contributors to our society.

More on this subject later, since there are so many facets to discuss, but I had this on my mind and wanted to talk about it.