I wish I had good news to report...

I wish I had good news to report on my job interview last Wednesday, but no dice. I had hoped it would be my ticket out of this miserable job, but they told me I was too young. That's age discrimination, which I could potentially sue them for, but it's not worth it at this point. I just spent the weekend feeling really disappointed. Meanwhile, I'm resisting the temptation every single day to just quit before I get fired and say screw it anyway. Nothing about it is getting any better, and in some ways it's getting worse. My boss still makes me feel so nervous every time she's near me, and she has no idea of positive leadership. We get quality control feedback every month, things we're doing well and things we could improve on. She got the lists so she could look them over, and then she was supposed to forward them over to us. She did. She sent us a whole list of all the negative things we're screwing up on. Not a single positive word, just everything we did wrong. Then, the other day, I was on a kind of long call with someone who was practically in hysterics over her interest rate going up and the fear of losing her house. I was afraid she was going to have a panic attack right there while I was on the phone with her, and I did my best to calm her down and reassure her that we would try to work with her to solve this problem. I had her calm and working to make some solutions by the time I got off the call, and then my supervisor came up and was like, you should have used different words, we could have gotten sued. I had felt pretty proud of helping that lady until then, but I spent the rest of the afternoon kind of down, it's like she purposely came over to bust my bubble. *sigh* I have a few things to look forward to over the next few weeks, but I still feel so stuck in this miserable job. I want to get out of here, but moving isn't an option until this summer. I think what I'd like to do is find another job here at least through May, and then move back up to the Springs in June, provided I can get a decent job. I just have too much going on in the next two months to contemplate moving, and then having to ask for time off from a brand new job. Besides, until I get my money from Japan and my tax refund, I'm kinda too broke to contemplate moving. Seems like all I can do at the moment is hurry up and wait. At least if I could wait with a different job, one that didn't make me so miserable, this might be a bit more tolerable. I'll do the best I can to hold on, though, and try to find another job.

Church Music

Tonight I went to the Easter Vigil Mass with my grandpa. We had always enjoyed the evening Mass together, but recently we've started going to the morning one at 10:30, and the more I go to that one, the more I realize what it is that frustrates me about the evening one. The parts of Mass that are done through song are all composed at the evening Mass by Billy Archuleta, and they just don't sound right to me. Not that I'm any kind of musical anything, but the tempo is just off, and no matter what the liturgical season he always chooses these old Spanish songs that are so dreary, no matter what the subject matter. Easter is supposed to be a joyous season, but the songs tonight still sounded like a funeral, which made me so very frustrated. I think I'm going to start going to the 10:30 Mass permanently, even if it means losing a day of sleeping until noon.

As I said before, not that I have any skill whatsoever at music, but as far as church and worship of any kind, music has always moved me and been incredibly powerful for me. I love singing in church, even though I'm not a great singer, and some of my favorite hymns can actually bring me to tears if I'm in the right mood. Even in Japan when I was lonely or homesick I would pull out my hymnbook and sing myself to sleep. One of the best parts of every winter retreat at school with our Catholic community was the evening when we'd pull out the hymnbooks and just sing whatever songs anyone liked together. And at our school Masses my friend Beth was the cantor and she has the absolute most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I used to love to sit next to hear just to be able to hear her. My friends Philip and Lena also sing beautifully, and our community as a whole up at school is really into singing, guys and girls alike. Here at home so few guys seem willing to sing, but I give major props to the guys at school who aren't shy about it or anything. Hearing all of our voices raised together in song is something really special for me.

Books

The last few days I've been seeking refuge from the world in books. I had to go renew my library card, because I lost my old one ages ago and hadn't used it while I was in college because I had the college library to work with. I've also been building my collection, as always, since I feel you can never have too many books. I've always loved to read, loved being so absorbed in a story that I can look up and realize that hours have passed and not regret it. My favorite genre is fantasy, and even as a small child I loved finding different worlds to explore. Narnia, Discworld, Redwall, Middle-Earth, Hogwarts, you name it. As I got older I started to appreciate history and biography as well, and some religious books intrigue me. Reading is soothing, an escape from the drudgery or frustration or stress of the world outside. I get so involved and engaged in my favorite books, I'd love to have been born an Elf in Middle-Earth, or a mouse in Redwall Abbey, or even a witch on the Discworld. I've speculated with friends about what it would be like to go to Hogwarts, and even the anthropological uniqueness of the wizarding world. I used to have hours of conversation about literature with my friends in school, and I miss that so much. Thus my desire to become a professor of literature, so I can share that love with others and engage students in the same stimulation that has always appealed to me about reading. So comforting to have people who understand that. I also wish I could buy books from the library, on a side note. There's just something about the smell of old paper and the feel of library binding under my fingers. I'd love to find a reason to be able to read for a living.

Frustration

Frustration. Feeling like I want to come home and just scream or cry or break things because I feel like I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. I haven't felt this miserable in I don't know how long. Maybe not ever. I feel like I'm under the iron foot of a tyrannical monster every day when I walk into work. I need to get out of there so bad, I need to find something else that gives me a set schedule and a company that doesn't make demands that make me want to take a sword to work and decapitate people, particularly my bootlicker of a boss. She fawns over a company that isn't even that good. I dunno how many calls I get from people calling for us to fix our damn mistakes, and all I can do is apologize. I had one guy today tell me after I helped him that he was sorry to get off the phone with someone intelligent for once. Maybe I'm just whining, maybe I'm just taking it too personally (that's what my mom says, anyway) but it feels like the whole world is against me. Last night I was talking to a friend, and I told her what my future plans might be. She basically gave me a lecture that amounted to me being stupid and naive and that my goals are not practical. It's like she assumed that I'm walking around blind. I'm not stupid, I can see how difficult it will be to achieve my goals, but I don't need her to go puncture them so that I have no dreams at all. Is it too much to ask that I at least be given the chance to try and some encouragement? I mean, why bother living if you're just going to consign yourself to drudgery and settle for the minimum? Paying the bills is important, but in my opinion, so is not being miserable. I want to find something that makes me feel happy and fulfilled, and with any luck it'll pay the bills too. But is it really too much to ask to have some support and encouragement? My goals may change as I get older and wiser, but for now, they're all that's keeping me going. I'm working to get rid of my bills, and saving up money to go back to school. School is the place I've always felt happiest, and I want to go back, and eventually I want to be able to share that love of learning and of literature with others. That's my goal. With prayers, work, and determination, I can do it.