New Years List (Even Though I'm Still Waiting for Christmas to Finish)

Yeah, the reason I'm not up to date on my Christmas post is that for us Christmas isn't really over yet, since a lot of my family couldn't make it for the actual Christmas celebrations and are coming this week. I mostly want pics of my godson to include, but in the meantime, Kate posted this list on her blog, and I like the idea of checking off the things you've already done. Maybe in five years I'll come back to it and see what I've been able to add.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. seen in person the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables I don't have much of a green thumb, but my grandma has always had a vegetable garden. I'm happy to keep my spider plant alive, frankly.
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch-hiked
23. taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or a sunset (both!)
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagra falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied I'm not satisfied yet, but once I start my new job I'll have enough to pay my bills again and feel self-reliant to a point I haven't thus far. My old job barely covered the bills, and this one should make a big difference in how much I can save every month.
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michaelangelo's david
41. sung karaoke
42. seen the old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. received a prestigious award
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling (probably isn't going to happen, I'm not a big fan of being under water and never have been)
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class (this one was taken care of since I was 12, and I'm now a martial arts instructor)
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. got flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma (I'm not too bothered by the sight of blood, but I'm rather attached to my own, which is weird, because I have friends who are terrified of seeing their own blood who have given it. I may need to man it up (figuratively speaking) and just go for it at some point.)
65. gone sky diving (definitely on my to-do list)
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar (and blech, it's nasty)
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guards in london (one of the coolest experiences ever!)
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican (also on my to-do list, I want to go to Rome, and maybe hear Mass and go to confession at St. Peter's)
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating (I grew up in a rural area, and have helped my grandpa butcher cows, pigs, and sheep, not to mention that my dad and uncles hunt, so I've helped prepare deer and elk also)
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone's life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club (I guess if GoodReads counts...I've always had discussions with friends about books but we never called it a formal club)
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby (not yet, but something I'd like, once I'm married and settled down)
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
100. learned to play an instrument (I wish now that I'd learned to play the piano as a child, but I didn't. Now it's the violin that interests me)

I've done a lot of things that aren't on this list, so I may amend it to include some of the things that have been important to me in my life. Things like living in another country (Japan), getting a degree (want to go back for more, actually), becoming a godparent (twice, one godson one goddaughter), working in theatre (not acting, but doing tech, which I prefer), and having friends of all nationalities, beliefs, races, genders, and walks of life. I'm particularly proud of that, because I want to work as hard as I can on being tolerant of any person and their beliefs or ideals, so long as they aren't forcing them on others or causing harm to others by them. I think that if they are that way it's because God made them so, and we have no right to cast judgment on His creations when we have no fathom for the magnitude of his scope.

Holiday Preparations and a New Job to Look Forward to

I'm quite proud of myself, as of yesterday all my Christmas cards are in the mail and all the gifts I have that are ready are sent or wrapped. This past weekend my parents were out of town, so I took advantage of the time to myself to get all my Christmas cards done and ready to be sent. I also had fun wrapping presents. I'm only missing a few people as far as gifts, and most of them are merely on their way to me, since they've already been ordered. The only two people I have no idea what to get are my grandpa and my godfather. I'm also going to find out soon when we'll get our tree and discuss with mum how we want to decorate it. She wants to sort through our ornaments and see if there's anything broken or not worth keeping for any other reason, as well as lights that may not work and garlands that are too old and worn, and so forth. We usually do a theme color and stick with it, and then put sentimental ornaments to fill it out, and we haven't decided on colors for this year yet. One of my favorites was Red and Gold, though the blue and silver also looked very pretty, as well as the purple and gold. I think I may suggest silver and gold, though I don't remember if we've done that recently. There are keepsake ornaments, and things that my sis and I made during school over the years, and dad's Bronco ornaments. I kind of wish I'd gotten an ornament to put up from Japan. Oh well. We're also gonna try to put the tree in a new spot, perhaps the dining room, to change things up a bit and keep pine needles off the carpet.

I've also got some good news to report. I quit my job last week. I had put in my resignation, since I already had confirmation on at least one new job, and another pending, and then the company did something that I didn't want to be involved in anymore. There are specific laws regarding collection tactics for companies, and this company was breaking them fairly blatantly by calling multiple times a day starting as early as the second of the month, with two weeks or more left in the grace period for most customers, and also calling before and after the designated times allowed for calling. The customers, as can be expected, were very angry or quite panicked, and we were having to deal with a huge flow of calls from people either furious with us and swearing up and down and threatening suit, or else panicking and wanting to know what was going on, or else we were being expected to help participate in the calling, and having people swear at us about that. Along with being tired of being yelled at, I couldn't in good conscience continue to help this company harass people by means I knew to be illegal, so I resigned early. My parents are cranky, as usual, but I have money to last through the end of the month, and I'm still expecting my last check, which won't be a full check, but I don't care. I'm starting a new job as soon as the results of a background check come in. I'll be working on counseling with kids who have emotional or other problems, as a result of things like personal or family tragedy or broken homes or the like, sitting with them in school, helping parents with coping mechanisms, and making sure that if they're lashing out violently, they don't harm themselves or others. Better pay, guaranteed hours, and a job that seems really fulfilling. Not perfect, but way better than what I was previously doing. I can save more and hack down my existing bills before I go back to school, and I may even have extra to travel or something if I want to. I'd like to go visit my friends in other parts of the country and so forth. All in all, a good holiday season. I'll be home and able to spend time with my family, I'll have a new job to look forward to, and of course all the joy and blessing of the holiday.

Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, and I was especially happy to spend time with my family. All my dad's siblings were there, and almost all of my cousins, and as always we had a wonderful meal. I got to spend some time with my nina (for those who don't know, that means my godmother, in Spanish) and also with my own godson. He's six years old now, and much more willing to actively spend time with people he doesn't see a lot. I played video games with him (I do wish he hadn't gotten into video games or been given a DS so young, but oh well) and also took him to a movie. We went to see Bolt, and he's such a good little boy, he was quiet and well-behaved. About halfway through the movie, he leaned his head on my shoulder, and I asked if he wanted to sit with me. So he crawled into my lap and I held him for the whole movie. Not that he was tired, or scared, he just likes to be cuddled, and is very affectionate. It made me feel so happy to be close to him and have him know that I love him and want to be a part of his life.

Another big family event that happened this weekend is that we had a dinner to celebrate my grandparents' 50th anniversary. The whole family went out for a dinner, we were all dressed up, and we all got up to make toasts and whatnot. Most of us were moved to tears, and my grandma was sobbing long before we were finished. Also, my godson was adorable there, too, he was dressed up in his tie and sport coat, and we told him he looked like a little politician, that we would be voting for him for president in a few years. I got an adorable picture of him on my phone holding his hands up in two peace signs like Richard Nixon.

I've also got some good news with regard to the misery of my job situation. Myself and several of my coworkers have been feeling bullied and treated badly in general by our company for quite some time, and I've been looking around for a new job. I had a couple of prospective ones, one for REA, the local electric company, and another for an organization called Team Builders, which does one on one counseling and support for kids with emotional problems or learning disabilities. Both of them are very promising, and depending on what I hear about the one from REA tomorrow, I should be out of there at the latest by the end of the month. Hopefully sooner though, since the place and the treatment really does make me feel miserable. I've actually had days where I've sat at my desk and cried because of the way they treat us. The hardest part is that until I do get a new job I'm supposed to just suck it up and deal with it, unless I want to be out of work and not be able to pay my bills this month.

I've also decided where I want to go back to school, and that I'm going to wait another year before I do so. I'm actually very impatient to go back to school, but I want to give myself the best chance to apply and get in to the school I want to go to, so I'm going to take the time to study and take the GREs, and also to do the writing I'll need as part of my application. I'll also have more time to save money and get rid of more of my debts, which will also help in the long run. It's still frustrating, but I think I'm making the right decision.

Reading Material

I'm starting to notice a trend in my reading habits. Along with my usual fantasy and Christian inspiration books and manga as new volumes of my favorite series come out, I'm finding myself seeking out things like histories or biographies pertaining to various subjects, things like historical info on the Roman Catholic church, the start of the Meiji era in Japan, or else literary criticism. I find the need to challenge my mind and really think about my reading is almost essential now, and it's making me feel so much better in terms of my mental state. For a while I was feeling downright dull, like I was in a mental fog. I want the stimulation and the challenge, because I'm working as I can to go back to school, and I want to be at least a little in the habit of studying and thinking critically. My writing has only been fiction lately, with a smattering of poetry, but I'll have to work on that too.

My Weekend in Vegas

I've managed to survive another weekend trip to Vegas intact, and without killing any family, which is always important when we travel there together. We flew out Thursday night, fairly uneventful, though the flight was a bit late. I opted not to go out that night, since I was quite tired, but my parents and their friends went down to the casino at the Tropicana, where we were staying. Thankfully this time my sis and I had a separate room. My grandpa Zeke also retired early, and my other grandparents were scheduled to arrive by car the next morning. We slept in and relaxed, quite gratefully, got up for the breakfast/lunch buffet, and met my grandparents and my sister. My grandma isn't a big fan of gambling or drinking, so she and I and my sis went out to do some sightseeing. We went to the Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay, which was lovely and very calming, and full of small children in costume, since it was Halloween. Next stop was Circus Circus, at my grandma's request. Most of the stuff there was kid-oriented, and not to our tastes, though we did get to see the acrobats. That night for dinner we had a delicious meal in honor of my parents' 25th and my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversaries. We went to the Japanese steak house at the hotel, called Mizuno's, which is a Japanese hibachi-style grill. I was the only one who knew the etiquette and words for a Japanese meal, and who ate the meal only with chopsticks (note to self, learn how to make miso soup), and the filet mignon I had was delicious, so tender I could probably have not chewed it, it almost melted in my mouth. Again, I opted to stay in and relax that evening, playing my DS and listening to my iPod. Apparently I missed out on karaoke and a Halloween costume contest, but I wasn't terribly bothered. Next day, much to my delight, dad informed me that we were going to the drag races, which I'd been looking forward to. We had killer seats thanks to grandpa's cousin Chris, and for that race two of my favorite racers, Cruz and Tony Pedregon, did very well. Cruz won his second in a row race, which puts him in first place for points for this season with one race to go. We were all getting a bit tired by that night, I think, and tempers were running high. Dinner was very stressful, my grandparents wanted to eat early but no one was back on time, everyone was going off without telling anyone else, and my grandpa Zeke's obnoxious cousin June was in full form, loud, bossy, and just generally annoying. That evening, after we'd calmed down, we decided to see the Cirque du Soleil show Beatles Love, which my mom in particular had been looking forward to. That was really the highlight of my trip, as I'd never seen a Cirque performance. The staging was amazing, especially for being in the round, though I suppose an acrobatic show of that caliber is better performed in the round. I was enthralled through the entire show. The music was great too (I've been a Beatles fan since I was quite young, thanks to my mom) and all the acrobatics were just unbelievable. My only issue was that I was sitting next to June, and she had the gall to take a flash picture in the middle of the show, despite the warnings about photography. That really did make me angry, since as well as it being incredibly rude, it's dangerous to the performers because the flash could cause an accident in their stunts. Being the theatre geek I was, I was so embarassed to be sitting beside her when the usher came to tell her to put the damn camera away. Also because of my knowledge of theatre, I was amazed by the level of tech in the show. Of course it's a large professional production, but it was flawless, and though I knew how most of it was done, that didn't stop the magic from overwhelming me. I had a great time shopping afterward too, at the shop, and there were many other things I could have walked out of there with if I'd had the funds. I had a great time shopping on this trip too, bought some fun things for myself as well as a few Christmas presents...not saying what here, since some people read this blog, but some of the stuff I got for myself included a Beatles Help! t-shirt, some racing stuff, and a Nintendo Monopoly set to add to my collection. I wanted the Beatles Monopoly set as well, but couldn't afford them both, and I'd seen the Beatles one elsewhere, whereas I'd never seen the Nintendo one before. We were out late that night, at any rate, and we had a kind of early flight the next morning, so we went straight to bed. Next morning, thanks to the time change, we were rudely awoken an hour too early by my grandpa, who had forgotten to change his watch and was panicked that we'd be late. We got to the airport three hours early, checked in, and found our gate, then settled down to wait. My grandparents tend to panic about traveling by air, which is why we got there so early, but I got very frustrated by all their fussing. Then, to add to the fun, our flight was delayed by almost an hour and a half, so we got to sit at the crowded gate for even longer. *sigh* Oh well, I can't really blame them, they don't travel by plane as often as I do, and quite frankly, I don't worry anymore about anything that isn't an international flight, just because those are the real meaning of complicated. A short flight to Vegas is cake. Anyway, after followed a sleepy drive home from the airport, and that more or less concluded my weekend.

Looking Forward to Traveling with Grandpa Again

We're flying out tomorrow for Las Vegas to celebrate a joint anniversary: my parents have been married for 25 years as of September 10th and my paternal grandparents will have been married 50 years as of November 22nd. It should be a lot of fun traveling with more than my parents and sister. I'm not a big drinker and only mildly interested in gambling, which are the two things my dad and sis are really into. I'd rather see things, like the shows. Last time we went, the most fun I had aside from the drag races, which are fun no matter what, was seeing the Tournament of Kings, which is a staged joust at the Excalibur. I'm enough of a dork to enjoy watching the staging as much as the actual show, just because I know a lot about technical theatre. Anyway, this weekend my other grandpa is also joining us, and he was the one I traveled to Europe with, and we had so much fun together. I'm looking forward to traveling with him again, since he's willing to indulge me in what I like to see and is also more interested in the same things I am. He doesn't drink anything but wine anymore, and that only a glass with a meal once in a while, and he'll do only a little gambling. On top of that, he and I worked hard at wrapping a lot of change at his house the last two weekends. He and my grandma had been putting aside cans and jars and whatnot of change for several years, and I agreed to help wrap it. We filled 3 folders of the state quarters, still working on the Philadephia mints, since we have the full Denver mints, and set aside all sorts of rare coins like bicentennial quarters and silver dollars and whatnot. Aside from that we wrapped $545 in quarters, nickels, and dimes. Grandpa said he'd divide that up as spending money between me, my sister, and him, which is also nice. I'm looking forward to going, and I hope we get to see Cirque du Soleil or some other fun show. Not sure about the craziness of Halloween, and we're still not sure if we're going to the races either, but we'll see. All in all should be a very interesting weekend. I'll post pictures and give a rundown when I get back on Sunday.

Weekend in Colorado Springs

My weekend in C. Springs was quite enjoyable, though I had my issues with some of the things that happened there. I went up with my friend Cole, who I've been quite close to for many years. We get along well, but our interests and temperaments are very different. If we spend more than a day or two together I find myself growing weary of his company because he's very extroverted, and I'm very introverted. He loves to be surrounded by a crowd and have an audience for his antics, and he doesn't always understand that I want to be left alone or spend time with people one on one Also, I missed out on some of the church-related things I would have liked to do because he doesn't have any interest in such a thing. On that same note, I didn't get to spend as much time with some of my friends from that venue because he was driving and he doesn't know these people almost at all. Next time I go I'd like to go alone.

Nonetheless, I did have a great time. Our hotel room was nice, and we got to spend a good time with Sami and Brian, and also Ella. We went out to eat probably more than we should, and I spent an exorbitant amount of money. I went to the bookstore, bought some things from my school bookstore, and found some nice things in All Things Catholic, a little shop I really do like. I also got a jump on my Christmas shopping, which is another thing I'm very happy about. I got to spend some time with Valerie at her new place, and it makes me happy that she's settling in and has Lisa and Aaron and Lena around to look after her while she's going through such a difficult time. I wish I would have been able to see some others though, mostly my friends from school or church, like Beth and Patrick, Philip, and Carl. Next time I have any time off I would like to take a three day weekend so that I can stay and go to Mass with them. In the meantime...Go CC Tigers!!!!!

Feeling Like A Real Person Now That I'm Off Vicodin

It's been nearly a week since my wisdom teeth came out, and I feel so much better. I'm still a bit sore and having trouble chewing anything that's not very soft, but I'm feeling a lot better. A lot of the improvement came about yesterday when I opted to stop taking Vicodin. They prescribed it to me as a pain medication, and for the first couple days, I really did need it, since the pain was quite intense. Now though, since the pain isn't that bad and it's mostly just a bit of swelling and soreness, I'm so done with the Vicodin. While I really needed it it was fine, and I'm thankful that it kept the pain at bay, but once I didn't need it as much, I hated the side effects that came with it. It was making me feel very lightheaded and loopy, and also nauseous. Also, it was turning me into an emotional basket case with the mood swings. Over the last few days I'd found myself feeling miserable and crying for no reason just because of the meds. Yesterday I gave a call to my campus minister in one of those moments, and she recommended that it was time to lay off the Vicodin. Even making that decision made a huge difference, and by the end of last night I was already feeling a lot better. I'm still working that junk out of my system, but the pain is more or less gone and I'm so glad, I feel like a real person again. I feel more clear and focused and though I'm not fond of work, I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow just to feel like I'm getting back into my life. My work schedule is moved back an hour, which means I'm going from 8 to 5, which is also a perk in that when I go back to TKD I can go and help the kids in the second class instead of only making it to my own class. Also to look forward to, this weekend is Daddy's birthday and next weekend I'll be going up to the Springs for Homecoming with Cole, which will just be awesome. I've been dreaming about it, even, looking forward to seeing Sami and Brian, not to mention Val and Philip and Beth and Carl and Lena. Val's been having a rough time of things, and I think it will be a nice thing for her to get to spend some time just hanging out. I also need to remember to send Toria a birthday present, since her birthday is the same day as my daddy's.

Lacking in Wisdom *rolls eyes*

I got my wisdom teeth out this morning, and though it's not great, by any means, thus far it's a lot better than I expected. I was very nervous, and kind of stuffy, since I couldn't take my allergy meds, but they were very nice and quite calming. They led me into the room, covered me up with a blanket, explained everything as they did it, and kept asking if I was ok and chatting with me. The nurse who put in my IV was also very nice, and much more skilled than the idiot paramedic who tried it during my car accident a little over a year ago. He tried three different places (one hand and both elbow crooks) and couldn't get it in. She slipped it in, I didn't even feel it, and then the anesthesiologist was chatting, he put something into the port, and the next thing I knew I was waking up. I don't remember a thing. I was tired on the way home, and I napped a lot, have to change my gauze a lot, and have some fun lovely meds for pain. I'm only allowed to eat pudding and milkshakes and things with no texture right now, but tomorrow I can move up a little, to apple sauce. A few days after that, things like soft fruit, melon and the like, pasta, and mashed potatoes. The other weird thing is that I'm supposed to eat a lot of small meals every time I take my meds, which is hard, I'm not used to eating that often. They said Saturday will be the worst day, as far as pain and swelling, but thus far it's only soreness and working on controlling the bleeding. The strangest part at this point is that part of my mouth is still numb from the novocaine, and the only part still numb is the left part of my lower lip and chin...earlier it was my whole mouth, and I was dribbling everywhere. Anyway, wish me luck, and we'll see how it goes for the next week.

Tooth Extraction Ho!

The official date has been announced. I'm going to get my wisdom teeth taken out on September 25th. I had my consultation, and while it's not super emergency urgent, they would like to get them out as quick as possible. I only have the lower two, but they're impacted, and the doctor wants to get them out before I end up with any cavities on my other teeth below the gum line. They gave me the full list of pre- and post-op instructions. It's kind of scary and unnerving to think about, though I did opt to be knocked completely out. I learned that the bottom teeth are harder to remove and often have to be broken to be removed. I don't think I want to be awake to know that they're breaking apart pieces of my head and yanking them out. They told me about how they'll knock me out, through an IV, which should be interesting. Last time they tried to put in an IV, when I got in a car accident, the idiot paramedic tried both hands and an elbow before we got to the hospital and gave up. I'm also gonna be stuck on a liquid diet for a couple days, which should be interesting. Lots of jell-o, yogurt, pudding, and shakes. They also terrorized me with the stories of things like dry sockets...I'll have to be careful to not mess with them too much. Anyway, wish me luck, and don't be surprised if I get in a drunken blog post while I'm knocked out from the narcotics following the surgery.

Survival of Family Parties and Other Things to Be Proud Of

This weekend was a party for my grandpa's 80th birthday, and it was quite an ordeal for everyone, especially my grandpa. I was annoyed at having to be social when I'm still not feeling great and getting over a lovely head cold and cough. It was nice to see some of my distant cousins from that side of the family though, since I hadn't seen a lot of them for several years. I didn't even know my cousin Nick had kids until now. He's got two of them, little girl named Sydney and a little boy named Cody. My great uncle Archie and auntie Olga just dote on those little ones. Family squabbling about the hassle of planning and cooking and whatnot, the party was nice, though I truly did consider it a survival game. I was so tired and cranky by the end of the day that I was more than happy to come home and collapse.

In other news, I finally got the official letter stating that I'm a fully certified instructor. Took a long time of waiting, but it's nice to be able to finally put the black collar on my uniform. Twelve years worth of work. I'm quite proud, and I can't wait to show up for class on Thursday and have my new collar on my uniform. I also received the official patches, with my name on them, that I can put on the breast pocket and lapels of the suit I can buy to wear at official ATA functions. Dunno how soon I'll be able to purchase it, since it's rather expensive, but it's not like I need it urgently either...I prefer to wear my uniform to testings and other functions anyway.

Third thing of note...Thursday is also the day of my consultation for my wisdom teeth extraction. I'm nervous about it, but it does mean a day off from work and a day to sleep in and spend some time with my mum. It's still nerve-wracking to think that they're going to cut open my gums and yank them out, but oh well. I'll survive.

I'm also working on my plans for the future, researching schools and saving money. Dad wants me to get a teaching certificate, though that won't really make a lot of difference to me in the long run, since I want to be a professor. I've gotten great recommendations from some friends, and I also am working to contact some professors and others who can help me decide on the right path.

Climbing Dreams and Struggles Toward the Future

So I had some really weird dreams last night that I don't think had anything to do with the prescription cough meds I've been taking for my cold. I won't go into crazy detail, but most of my dreams involved climbing or struggle, starting with the norm that I remembered and turning toward really bizarre twists. I gave a call to my campus minister, who is still a dear friend to me, and she gave me the theory (she's always been really good at dream interpretation) that my dreams had to do with my current struggles in life to move forward and get out of my current situation. I'm miserable in my job and I want to go back to school and feel like I'm progressing toward someting. I'm not quite there financially, though I'm definitely making progress, but Val made the point that if I don't do it now, financially ready or not, then in a couple of years I'm just going to be in the same spot and the only difference will be that I'll be older and it'll be that much harder to leave. She recommended I contact a few people for advice about how to go about choosing the right grad school for myself and how to work out paying for it. I've already sent emails to those people and with any luck I'll hear back from them soon and have some ground to start on. She also made the suggestion that dad is so vehemently opposed to me going not just because it will be an expense for him but because he and I are similar enough that he enjoys having me around and basically doesn't want me to leave. That makes a lot of sense, since we fought tooth and nail while I was in college, but once I came home we got along so much better. We still have our disagreements, but they aren't so drawn out and they get dropped so much more quickly. I love that thought, since dad and I have never quite gotten along, but at the same time, I don't want to stay here and feel like I'm stagnating. So this year is going to be devoted to research and applications for grad school, along with finding money to pay for it that won't put me into much further debt. I know my parents will help me, however grudgingly, with at least things like living expenses, even if I can handle school by myself, and I'm also more than willing to work at school to help myself out. I just want to feel like I'm going somewhere, and thanks to a pep talk, I think I'm on my way. Wish me luck, and any advice is welcome.

Wisdom Teeth

Well, it's official. I saw the dentist yesterday, and I'm on the list for wisdom tooth extraction. Turns out my two bottom teeth are impacted and have been pressing into the teeth in front of them, so they need to come out and soon. I dunno how soon they'll come out, but even though I'm glad to know about it, I'm also terrified to know that I have to go in for my first actual surgery. The idea of being knocked out and having no awareness during the whole procedure. More info to follow as I find out more details, but yeah, this is the first step.

Compassion

Maybe it's stupid of me, but I've always been this way. I always feel very deeply for my friends, both joys and sorrows, and it affects me to a level I probably shouldn't let it. Whenever a friend has something bad happen to them, I feel just as bad on their behalf as if I'd had it happen to me. My friends have always confided in me, and I've been happy to listen. I've been told that I'm a good listener, and it's one of the ways I try to be a good friend, but it comes with it's toll on me. I'm trying really hard lately to become unattached from the problems of the people I care about, but it's harder than it sounds. Somehow I do feel like if I don't feel bad for them the way I always have, I'm not caring like I should. On the other hand, as my mom said, letting myself get beat up about stuff that's not my fault and that I can't control makes me basically a doormat. Too many of my friends over the course of my life have used me as the punching bag to make themselves feel better, and I took it, because I thought a good friend should be there, but they were never there for me. I don't want to feel miserable like this, but I do still want to show I care. For me, at least, it's a hard balance to maintain. When I did my spiritual gifts inventory I found that I had the gift of compassion, which is to say that I care about people. I guess I have to use that gift and not let it use me. My best bet is just to keep my friends in my prayers. Whether they believe or not, God will take care of them in the way He sees best.

Mud Bogging and Drag Racing

This weekend, and really all summer, my dad has been racing his trucks in the mud bogs. I usually don't go with him, since it's a long, hot, dirty day, but he's very good at it. He's always been a winner and he's been competing for as long as I can remember. Even as a small child I remember going to races with my parents, watching my dad's trucks race and more often than not, win. Yesterday were the annual races here in Taos, and though dad didn't win, it was an enjoyable day. I got splattered with mud and mildly sunburned, but that's the fun of it. Pity that dad sold his truck, really, but that's what he does. He builds them, sells them, and builds some more. He's always been happiest when he's working on something new. Some racers complain that he must be cheating, because he's such a regular winner, but really, he works hard and knows what he's doing. He's been doing this for so many years that he has experience with what works the best and likes to experiment to try to make it even better. He even sometimes races a heavier truck than the others in his competition class, but he still beats them.

The other thing that I enjoy doing with my dad is drag racing. Not the actual racing, but watching the pros who race with nitro in the National Hot Rod Association. Every summer we go to the races up at Bandimere Stadium near Golden, CO. The last couple of races we've been in the sponsor tents, which is really nice, since there's a cool place to sit and eat that's not under the sun, since of course the races are very hot. In between rounds, we go into the pits, check out the merchandise, and try to catch our favorite drivers for a picture and an autograph. This year our favorite racing team, Team Pedregon, is doing very well, they're brothers, Cruz and Tony, and though they race for different sponsors, Advance Auto Parts and Q oil, they help each other and share information. They're in the top ten and if they can win their next few races they'll win the championship. We were doubly lucky this year to go to the races in Las Vegas as well, and I'm already looking forward to next year.

If We Were Playing Freeze Tag I'd Always Be Frozen...Thanks to Kate =P

3 Joys:
1. A book to fall asleep with
2. Really talking to someone who knows how to listen
3. Knowing that someone I worried about is alright

3 Fears
1. Depression
2. Hospitals
3. Not being in control

3 Goals
1. Get a Ph D
2. Get out of debt
3. Find someone I can be happy forever with

3 Current Obsessions:
1. Pokemon
2. Redwall
3. Facebook

3 Suprising Facts
1. There's a side of me that delights in chaos and destruction
2. I can read a 400 page book in a day, easily
3. Almost all of my best friends have been boys

i am: Angela
i know: That God won't throw anything at me that I can't handle, but sometimes I think He has more faith in me than I have in myself
i want: To be independent

i have: more books than shelf space
i wish: I wasn't alone

i hate: people who drive under the speed limit in the fast lane, especially when I'm running late
i miss: Being in school, where studying was the most important thing I had to worry about
i fear: chaos
i feel: glad it's Friday and I can sleep in late tomorrow
i hear: the fan humming...for once I have no distracting noise
i smell: nothing. Grandpa cut the hay and thanks to my allergies my nose is plugged up
i crave: Muddy Bears
i search: On google
i wonder: whether I'll ever find time to watch the anime I've been collecting for so long
i regret: not being more courageous when I traveled and missing some opportunities for the sake of feeling safe
i love: my mom's rolled tacos
i care: About my friends

i always: worry about the things I can't control
i am not: judgmental...or at least, I try not to be
i believe: God loves you, no matter how hard you try to resist Him
i dance: as little as possible...I have no sense of rhythm so dancing is more work than fun for me
i sing: in church, in the shower, and in the car, and occasionally hymns to help me fall asleep
i don’t always: forgive and forget like I should
i fight: with my sister, if we're together longer than a weekend
i write: when the muse descends.
i lose: my temper easily
i win: at Pokemon and at a lot of trivia games
i never: give up on my friends
i listen: to whatever strikes my mood at the time...oh, and I love audio books
i am scared: of being sick enough to need being in a hospital
i need: to be better about saving my money
i am happy about: having people to talk to
i tag: anyone who reads this and wants to play

Finally Got My TKD Pics!

Ok, I really don't have a lot to say, but here we go, gotta post these pics. I've been waiting ages to get them. The last time I got pics taken for TKD was about five years ago, when I was only a 2nd degree or so, and when I was still a junior trainee instructor with the goofy red-white-and blue collar. I've come a long way since then. And now, in a few weeks I'll be able to put on my black collar, as a fully certified instructor, capable of opening and owning my own school should I desire to do so. 12 years in the making, and worth every second, even the busted knee and shot wrists. TKD has shaped who I am and who I want to be.

Just Cuz I Haven't Posted In A While...Thoughts on Pokemon

So yeah...a geeky topic if ever there was one. Not a lot new in my life, but some thoughts on one of my favorite pastimes. Pokemon. My interest in Pokemon started the summer my little cousin was either nine or ten, I forget, and he was utterly obsessed with them. Since I was babysitting him, that meant that that's all I heard about. Finally, in an attempt to save my sanity, I agreed to learn more about them. I watched the animated series, which is ridiculously cheesy and silly in the 4Kids incarnation (never seen the actual Japanese version), I started collecting the cards (and still have a decent collection for the first 250 or so) and started playing the games. The games are what I enjoy most now, though I'm still working on collecting the whole series on DVD, mostly for nostalgic purposes. I have almost all the games, and I'm pleased that this is a game that I'm actually good at, for remembering and studying type strengths and weaknesses for raising an effective team for battle. Silver was my favorite game for the longest time, but I'm also very much enjoying Fire Red/Leaf Green, and Emerald, as well as Diamond, though I haven't gotten very far into the latter two. I like the challenge of catching and raising my team, and I always name my Pokemon according to people or characters that suit their personalities. I'm a dork that way. But yeah, it's tons of fun, and I'm looking forward to finally trading with my friend when he comes to visit. I haven't actually had anyone to trade with before. I like raising the little critters, and I actually find myself talking to them while I battle, encouraging and sympathizing when they get hurt or faint. Wow. I'm how far into admitting what a dork I am...but I still love it.

Response to Being Tagged

In response to my tagging by Kate, I'll play along and post 7 interesting/weird facts about myself. Really though, anyone who knows me probably knows these things about me anyway.

1. Mostly in defiance to my father and uncles, I've been a Dallas Cowboys fan since I was a small child. I don't actually care about football that much, but it's just fun to annoy my dad.

2. I could never be a doctor, but I'm fascinated, way more than I should be, by medical shows, especially surgeries and things to do with delivering babies, especially multiples.

3. This is probably a sad one...I'm way more familiar with the geography of places like Middle-Earth, Discworld, and Mossflower Woods than I am a lot of the world, and probably more familiar with their histories and peoples too, in a lot of cases.

4. I've been teased for having a good memory for things like quotes and the names of actors/writers/voice actors. My cousin was asking me why on earth I knew the name of the VA who plays Brock on Pokemon this weekend.

5. I've enjoyed wearing caps since I was about 8 when I decided I wanted to be like my dad, who wears them every day. Mostly they end up being sports or racing caps, though I have a couple of favorite ones from school.

6. I've always been the most attracted to geeky guys. Glasses and a knowledge of some obscure subject, not to mention a great sense of humor, are incredibly hawt.

7. If I could pick any other country in the world to live in it would be England. Most of the authors I love and admire the most are English, and London is by far the most friendly city to me that I've ever spent time in.

Ok, here they are, some things that you might or might not have known about me. I'm not gonna tag anyone, since most of my friends who read this don't have blogs, but respond if you wish.

Plans for the Future

Despite my stubbornness in listening to the advice of those who mean the best for me, I think I've finally made some tentative plans for how to go about my ambitions for going back to school and eventually becoming a professor. It happened after a long talk one night with a friend of mine, where I realized that I was being held back by my insistence that I couldn't do more than one thing at once ie: I couldn't be teaching school and studying at the same time. I had been resisting the idea of getting "trapped" as I put it into teaching school. My dad had suggested that to me since long ago, but since I'm often inclined to disagree with him out of long habit, I shrugged off the idea. I've lately been considering it more as I realize that more and more charter schools are hiring in positions that I could easily teach and enjoy working in. I'll be making more money than I'm making now by a long shot, able to be back on my own, having my own space and hopefully being closer to my friends. I definitely don't want to stay in my hometown...I love visiting back here, but living here is quite empty anymore, there's little here for me beyond family. I love my family dearly, but I have to look to my own future. So wish me luck as I apply for some teaching positions in the charter schools that I find that are hiring.

Connected With the World Again

I was without internet for a week last week, and finally got it back night before last. I didn't realize until it was gone how dependent I've become on it. Not only for things like news, checking the balance in my bank account, and all the practical things one might use it for, but also for the connection I feel the the friends I've made all over the country. I use IM and message boards, as well as sites like Facebook to keep in touch with so many people, and without it I felt lost and isolated to a surprising degree. Oh, I know there's always the phone for the ones I'm closest to, and boy did I use it (my phone bill was way higher than normal this month since I've been calling friends so much) but it's a whole different dynamic on the phone than what I'm used to. On IM you can have a whole group conversing at once on the same topic, you wont' get charged an insane amount for it like you do for long distance calling, and there aren't the same kind of awkward silences. I'm so glad to be connected again, and to know that I can be in touch with the people I care about. I didn't think I'd miss it this much until it was really gone.

Taekwondo Camp and My Level 3 Certification

This weekend I went up to Winter Park, CO for our annual Taekwondo camp, and to try to earn my level 3 certification and my black collar. It's a pretty big deal, and takes a lot of work. The drive up there was rough, though I went with some of my students, Sarah, Susan, and Susan's daughter Natalie. I'm really glad I wasn't driving because around about Leadville we got into a lovely snowstorm...in May. We left Thursday night after I got off work, and thankfully I got permission to leave early. Next morning we finished our trip, still in the snow, and arrived in time for check-in. Senior Master Thor was the one presiding over the camp, as he's the highest ranking black belt in the region. He also was the one in charge of the level 3 certification class. I was working hard all day Friday. Those who weren't certifying didn't have to be there until that evening. After meeting my roommates, one of whom was in my certification class, another of whom is an old friend, which was a pleasant surprise, we headed off to dinner and then to our first workout as a whole group. I was in squad 4, which meant we were wearing the purple headbands, and our squad leader was one of the instructors there to recertify, Matt Guy, who's absolutely hilarious. I had a good time learning from him, Mr. Kemmerling, Mr. Shields, Ms. McCray, Ms. Fatori, and Mrs. Turner. We worked during the day on our practice lessons that we'd have to demonstrate on Saturday night. First though, we had to get through Friday night. Our theme this year was fitness. Man, did that workout hurt. By the end I was on the point of total exhaustion, and we actually had a kid pass out from getting overheated. But it was still great to see a group that big of so many different ages and ranks all working together towards a common purpose. Next morning was workout at 6:30 am...what a way to start the day, but thankfully those workouts weren't really as hard as the night before. Next came what I was really looking forward to: learning the sword. We call it the Gumdo in Korean, and the class was taught by Mrs. Lorenz, who was strict, but a good teacher. Mr. Guy, Mr. Shannon, Miss Cousins, and Anne were all in the class with me, and I had a good time with all the kids I was working with. (By the way, if you're wondering, black belts all get called by their last names, regardless of age, and Miss Cousins is actually Anne's daughter, but Anne is only a purple belt.) Anyway, after the sword came kicks for the black belts, then lunch. After that was a self-defense lesson where I learned pressure points I hadn't seen before from Mr. Bass and heard some of Master Thor's (somewhat familiar, since he's my regular instructor) lectures on practical self defense. One more practice lesson towards certification, and then supper and nerves before our certification lessons, which were done before everyone. I was nervous, and Masther Thor said he saw that I was, but I did very well. He told me and the others who certified to meet in a seminar room at midnight for the official ceremony. Then I got to watch Mrs. Bradley and Mr. Shannon and a couple of other black belts test. Sarah Bradley did very well, and I'm certain she passed. I was actually not impressed with the other two black belts besides Mr. Shannon. Their kicks were a bit sloppy and the sparring was tournament style, not testing, not to mention they missed their board breaks. So did Mr. Shannon, but as he was only midterming, it's not a really big deal. He did great. Interspersed with all of this was the team competitions. We could do exercises for more points, like push ups, sit ups, and jumping rope. Mr. Overby was on our team, and he did a thousand push ups and sit ups. He looked like he wanted to cry by the end, but he was awesome. I had so much trouble staying awake until midnight, I was so wiped, but the ceremony was cool. The instructors all sat across a big lit candle from us and talked about what it meant to be an instructor and how we should look on it as a new dawn. Then we all did Songham 1, the white belt form together, sort of symbolic of that new beginning. I didn't sleep well, so I was pretty much running on auto pilot the next morning. 6:30 workout again, and then checking out and breakfast before the final team competition and award ceremony. Our team definitely didn't win, we came in second to last, but we had fun and that's what matters. We had fun working on the puzzles and figuring out how to make things work. In between times, the higher ranking black belts, myself included, got talked to ab out setting the example and really stepping up our leadership. I was proud to do it, and I definitely learned a lot this weekend that I wanted to implement in classes. We talked a lot about leadership and how we could make it play a bigger part in our regular lessons and try to make the other students see the value in it. Camp was rough, but I definitely want to go next year if I can. I'm sore and still tired, but I learned a lot and am proud of myself for earning my instructor certification. As soon as I get the official results I'll get my black collar on my uniform, and I promise I'll post a picture.

Worry

I'm a worrier by nature. Whenever I hear that something has happened that I can't control, I can't help but stress about it. Today I found out that a friend of mine might be quite ill, and though I was worried earlier from not knowing, once he told me the worst case scenario (blood tests are still pending) I felt a hundred times worse. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not knowing, not being able to do anything. I can't help but be scared. I want to help, but I don't know how. And as long as I know the worst case scenario, that's all I can think about. Injuries I can handle, those are somehow less serious in my mind. Illness though, where one's own body is out if their control, such a thought is so terrifying. I like being in control. Things that take me out of control are probably the scariest things in the world to me. It could be something as simple as stress, or it could be something really serious. My prayers are with my friend, and they're something of a comfort, but I still can't help but be scared.

My First Trip to Las Vegas

I'm back from my first ever trip to "Sin City". It was...quite an experience. The flight there was cake, and finding our hotel and everything was easy. We stayed at the Excalibur. Friday mom, Karla and I went walking down the strip, but it was easy to get lost. These giant casinos are like, blocks long, so easy to get disoriented in. Also, I got dragged along for the shopping, and since dad was at a boring machine shop, I was kind of stuck either way. That evening we went to the Tournament of Kings at the hotel, which was by far my favorite part of the weekend. We were sitting in the section cheering for France, and the king of France was incredibly hawt. Every time he rode by he would get the whole crowd cheering. Probably helped that our section was mostly girls who were more than willing to stand up and scream. Also, our king was the champion, and there were some amazing acrobats too. The staging was beautifully done. I had such a great evening that I was hoarse by the end, I could barely talk. Next morning was the drag races. The track in Vegas is nice, and our favorite drivers did very well. We also had tickets for the Checker Auto courtesy tent, which was great, as it was a quiet, shady spot with free water and lunch served.

However, after that, things started to go downhill. Dad and Mom insisted that we go out and check out the scene. We took a cab down the strip, even though I was incredibly tired already from the day at the races, and seeing all the lights and things was cool. We had dinner and my folks insisted that I get a drink, which was fine. Then we wandered through a few casinos and heard some music and things. Still ok, but I was getting even more tired. Next we took a cab down to Fremont Street, to see the light show. Also cool, and we saw a guy who was doing the most amazing paintings, with spray paint and putty knives. Such a cool concept that I actually bought one, which rocked. By then though, I was utterly exhausted, and wanting to go back to the hotel and sleep. But no. More shopping and more visiting casinos and clubs. I was trying to be a good sport, but I really find it difficult to have fun when I'm so tired and when I feel so out of my element. Gambling is not something that appeals to me at all, and I hate being in a crowd with loud music playing. Dad could sense that I was getting tired, and finally we went back to the hotel. They stayed downstairs to gamble a bit more, but I went straight upstairs and went to bed. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but my idea of fun is very different from that of my family in the long run.

Today I had to endure a lecture about this from my mom, who still insists that no, I can't possibly be as introverted as I say I am, and that I really need to learn to be more social. Is it really that hard to understand that I feel the way I feel and I'm not going to try to force change? I can handle being social in small doses, and on my terms. I think next time I go to Vegas it'll be more for the shows and the sights, and with people who don't want to just go out and get trashed and waste money. I felt so awkward gambling, it was like throwing money away, and it just felt wrong. If I'm going to spend money, I'm going to use it for something that I can show for it, rather than just a chance to get more.

Tolerance in Society

I guess this is a kind of serious topic for a blog with "fantasy" in the title. It's just something that I see more and more of, and that I'm finding is a real problem in our society. The problem of tolerance. I just read an article in People magazine, about a transgendered man who is having a baby. It frustrates me that such a thing actually is such a big deal that it makes news. In the end, what I see is a couple who are having a child, regardless of the details. The same goes for homosexual couples who want children. Children need families and parents who love them, and the gender or orientation of the parents shouldn't be a deciding factor. My dad accuses me of being too idealistic, but in my opinion it certainly wouldn't hurt anything for this society to be more tolerant. It infuriates me that society dictates appropriate gender behavior to a point where your clothes might be the deciding factor in a job interview and a child could be taken away from parents who love it because society disagrees with some concept of the family as "nontraditional". I've seen a lot of my friends who are gay or otherwise seen as "different" by society hurt at the hands of people who treat them like freaks or inferior beings just because they're afraid of the difference. I'm not perfect about this in any sense, but I've tried to be tolerant. I want people to know that they can feel safe and not like they're being judged by me with regards to their sexuality, their religion, or their choices. I may or may not agree with them, but it's not my place to tell them that their choices are right or wrong, and they should have the freedom to act on them without worrying about what people will think, as long as they're not hurting themselves or others or trying to force their beliefs.

Society is run by ads telling us what's ok, what we should look like or eat or do or think. Barbie tells us what beautiful looks like, commercials for makeup and weight loss tell us that we have to wear masks and be thin to be liked. If you don't like the latest music or the latest fashion or political cause or new toy, people laugh. I hate fashion and makeup in particular. I've been a tomboy my whole life, and as far as clothes are concerned I prefer practicality and comfort over whatever society tells me is fashionable. In the sense of society I almost wish a lot of the time I were a boy, because their clothing for the most part is so much more practical. I don't understand why beauty for women is dictated by clothing that is so uncomfortable and restricts movement to the point where all you can do is sit and wince. Heels are not only impractical but downright painful, pantyhose are a nuisance, and makeup may as well just be replaced by a mask to cover your face so that we can all look the same. We cover ourselves and strap ourselves and shape ourselves and paint ourselves until we look downright unnatural, and then call it beauty. I don't mind looking professional for a job, but I don't think I should have to wear tight, uncomfortable clothing just to make a good impression. I feel like if a suit and tie is good enough for a guy it should be good enough for a girl without the heels or the pantyhose, and if a guy likes to wear things like skirts and blouses and even makeup, he should be able to do so without society making a scene and asking him what's wrong with him. No one is less of a man or a woman because of what they wear or like or think or do. Men can be nurses or stay at home with their children and women can be wrestlers and construction workers, and still be beautiful, normal contributors to our society.

More on this subject later, since there are so many facets to discuss, but I had this on my mind and wanted to talk about it.

I wish I had good news to report...

I wish I had good news to report on my job interview last Wednesday, but no dice. I had hoped it would be my ticket out of this miserable job, but they told me I was too young. That's age discrimination, which I could potentially sue them for, but it's not worth it at this point. I just spent the weekend feeling really disappointed. Meanwhile, I'm resisting the temptation every single day to just quit before I get fired and say screw it anyway. Nothing about it is getting any better, and in some ways it's getting worse. My boss still makes me feel so nervous every time she's near me, and she has no idea of positive leadership. We get quality control feedback every month, things we're doing well and things we could improve on. She got the lists so she could look them over, and then she was supposed to forward them over to us. She did. She sent us a whole list of all the negative things we're screwing up on. Not a single positive word, just everything we did wrong. Then, the other day, I was on a kind of long call with someone who was practically in hysterics over her interest rate going up and the fear of losing her house. I was afraid she was going to have a panic attack right there while I was on the phone with her, and I did my best to calm her down and reassure her that we would try to work with her to solve this problem. I had her calm and working to make some solutions by the time I got off the call, and then my supervisor came up and was like, you should have used different words, we could have gotten sued. I had felt pretty proud of helping that lady until then, but I spent the rest of the afternoon kind of down, it's like she purposely came over to bust my bubble. *sigh* I have a few things to look forward to over the next few weeks, but I still feel so stuck in this miserable job. I want to get out of here, but moving isn't an option until this summer. I think what I'd like to do is find another job here at least through May, and then move back up to the Springs in June, provided I can get a decent job. I just have too much going on in the next two months to contemplate moving, and then having to ask for time off from a brand new job. Besides, until I get my money from Japan and my tax refund, I'm kinda too broke to contemplate moving. Seems like all I can do at the moment is hurry up and wait. At least if I could wait with a different job, one that didn't make me so miserable, this might be a bit more tolerable. I'll do the best I can to hold on, though, and try to find another job.

Church Music

Tonight I went to the Easter Vigil Mass with my grandpa. We had always enjoyed the evening Mass together, but recently we've started going to the morning one at 10:30, and the more I go to that one, the more I realize what it is that frustrates me about the evening one. The parts of Mass that are done through song are all composed at the evening Mass by Billy Archuleta, and they just don't sound right to me. Not that I'm any kind of musical anything, but the tempo is just off, and no matter what the liturgical season he always chooses these old Spanish songs that are so dreary, no matter what the subject matter. Easter is supposed to be a joyous season, but the songs tonight still sounded like a funeral, which made me so very frustrated. I think I'm going to start going to the 10:30 Mass permanently, even if it means losing a day of sleeping until noon.

As I said before, not that I have any skill whatsoever at music, but as far as church and worship of any kind, music has always moved me and been incredibly powerful for me. I love singing in church, even though I'm not a great singer, and some of my favorite hymns can actually bring me to tears if I'm in the right mood. Even in Japan when I was lonely or homesick I would pull out my hymnbook and sing myself to sleep. One of the best parts of every winter retreat at school with our Catholic community was the evening when we'd pull out the hymnbooks and just sing whatever songs anyone liked together. And at our school Masses my friend Beth was the cantor and she has the absolute most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I used to love to sit next to hear just to be able to hear her. My friends Philip and Lena also sing beautifully, and our community as a whole up at school is really into singing, guys and girls alike. Here at home so few guys seem willing to sing, but I give major props to the guys at school who aren't shy about it or anything. Hearing all of our voices raised together in song is something really special for me.

Books

The last few days I've been seeking refuge from the world in books. I had to go renew my library card, because I lost my old one ages ago and hadn't used it while I was in college because I had the college library to work with. I've also been building my collection, as always, since I feel you can never have too many books. I've always loved to read, loved being so absorbed in a story that I can look up and realize that hours have passed and not regret it. My favorite genre is fantasy, and even as a small child I loved finding different worlds to explore. Narnia, Discworld, Redwall, Middle-Earth, Hogwarts, you name it. As I got older I started to appreciate history and biography as well, and some religious books intrigue me. Reading is soothing, an escape from the drudgery or frustration or stress of the world outside. I get so involved and engaged in my favorite books, I'd love to have been born an Elf in Middle-Earth, or a mouse in Redwall Abbey, or even a witch on the Discworld. I've speculated with friends about what it would be like to go to Hogwarts, and even the anthropological uniqueness of the wizarding world. I used to have hours of conversation about literature with my friends in school, and I miss that so much. Thus my desire to become a professor of literature, so I can share that love with others and engage students in the same stimulation that has always appealed to me about reading. So comforting to have people who understand that. I also wish I could buy books from the library, on a side note. There's just something about the smell of old paper and the feel of library binding under my fingers. I'd love to find a reason to be able to read for a living.

Frustration

Frustration. Feeling like I want to come home and just scream or cry or break things because I feel like I don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. I haven't felt this miserable in I don't know how long. Maybe not ever. I feel like I'm under the iron foot of a tyrannical monster every day when I walk into work. I need to get out of there so bad, I need to find something else that gives me a set schedule and a company that doesn't make demands that make me want to take a sword to work and decapitate people, particularly my bootlicker of a boss. She fawns over a company that isn't even that good. I dunno how many calls I get from people calling for us to fix our damn mistakes, and all I can do is apologize. I had one guy today tell me after I helped him that he was sorry to get off the phone with someone intelligent for once. Maybe I'm just whining, maybe I'm just taking it too personally (that's what my mom says, anyway) but it feels like the whole world is against me. Last night I was talking to a friend, and I told her what my future plans might be. She basically gave me a lecture that amounted to me being stupid and naive and that my goals are not practical. It's like she assumed that I'm walking around blind. I'm not stupid, I can see how difficult it will be to achieve my goals, but I don't need her to go puncture them so that I have no dreams at all. Is it too much to ask that I at least be given the chance to try and some encouragement? I mean, why bother living if you're just going to consign yourself to drudgery and settle for the minimum? Paying the bills is important, but in my opinion, so is not being miserable. I want to find something that makes me feel happy and fulfilled, and with any luck it'll pay the bills too. But is it really too much to ask to have some support and encouragement? My goals may change as I get older and wiser, but for now, they're all that's keeping me going. I'm working to get rid of my bills, and saving up money to go back to school. School is the place I've always felt happiest, and I want to go back, and eventually I want to be able to share that love of learning and of literature with others. That's my goal. With prayers, work, and determination, I can do it.

I Hate My Job So Much...*sigh*

I know this is going to sound like a lot of whining, but I need to get it out. I hate my job. I really do. It's not that I hate working, or even really the work I'm doing, I hate the atmosphere at work, the way the company treats us, and the way we're expected to treat the customers. It's not big things, not like, lawsuit worthy, but I really don't like it. The company is making all sorts of little demands that just make the job that much more stressful, when it's already really stressful to begin with. I work at a call center, for a mortgage company, and my responsibilities include taking calls and answering questions, and also taking payments. I wouldn't mind this too much if it wasn't so consistently hectic. We have less than 30 seconds between calls, and we're expected to thoroughly notate the account before moving on to the other call, so we end up putting people on hold, for which they chew us out if we leave them more than a few seconds. Plus, aside from our usual clocking in and out on our time cards, our time is monitored by the phone, so that we have to cut all our breaks short to make sure we can sign back into those on time. We were encouraged by our trainers to help one another, but we're not supposed to stand up, so that doesn't work too well. When we're not sure of something, our lead and our supervisor are supposed to be walking around helping us, but half the time the lead is supposed to be on the phone too, and our supervisor is always busy at her desk, so we end up keeping people waiting for ever while we wait to get help, since we're not supposed to get up and ask. They monitor all our calls and critique us on everything, and they try to encourage us to collect as much money as possible by getting us to compete for a prize at the end of the month for the highest collections. I hate asking people for money in general, and these people are usually cranky enough since it's money they don't have, especially with the way the market is looking right now. I'm also really not pleased with my supervisor. She's lying to us, pretty much, and making false promises. When we were first transferred to working for this company, she told me that she was considering me for the position of lead for the next training team. Turns out she promised that to three of us. And despite her promise, two of us aren't even eligible for the position anyway since we haven't been there six months, which she neglected to mention. And she keeps imposing all these little stupid mandatory rules, like having to take notes on every call with the notepad on the computer, even though some of us prefer using a pen and notepad instead. And the company keeps demanding us to work overtime because they're understaffed. I can't take much more of this, really I can't. I come home every night more mentally and physically exhausted than I've ever felt at any other job, and I wake up every day dreading work. It's not at all that I don't want to work, I want to be busy and I want to be managing my own finances instead of being dependent on my parents, but I don't want to be working a job that makes me feel this miserable. My dad thinks I'm copping out when I say stuff like this, that work isn't supposed to be easy. I'm not asking for it to be easy, but I'm gonna wind up with an ulcer if this continues. I'm looking as much as I can for another job, but in this small town there's not a lot to find. I just don't know what to do anymore. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way either, a lot of my coworkers are complaining the same way. If it was just me I could see why my dad would say I was copping out, but almost all of us have our complaints. I know no matter what I do I won't get fired, because they need the people on the program, but I don't know how much longer I'll stay in this job, even if it means being unemployed again. all I want right now is to be back in school and working in something that really makes me happy.

Film Retreat and my Birthday!

This weekend I went on our annual retreat to our Baca campus with my school church group. I can't begin to explain how much better I feel, spiritually and just in general. I got to spend time with my friends, and was welcomed back into the group as though I'd never left, which was a wonderful feeling all by itself. Our retreat focus this year was the Mass. I've gone to Mass my whole life, but going through it in all the parts and learning more and delving deeply into the essence of it and the changes that have been made since Vatican II. We got to color velvet crosses, and Ben and I worked together on two of them instead of doing them individually. He's a sweetheart, and he was a big reminder why I miss hanging out in this group. I also got a chance to meet the newer members of our community. I especially enjoyed having a long talk with Dan about being a graduate and still feeling comfortable and welcome, and like I needed to be part of a community, and it was even nicer to know that I'm not the only one. Don't get me wrong, I love going to church with my grandpa, but it's harder to feel part of a community when you don't really interact or even relate to most of the people there. Also, we went to the monastery in Crestone and experienced compline, which is evening prayer, and Benediction, which is exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and adoration. So amazing, I'd never been to such a thing before. One of the best parts of the retreat happened after that though. We pulled out the hymn books and Kevin brought out his guitar and we got to sing! I'm not great at singing by any means, but it's always been one of my favorite, most moving parts of any kind of worship. There was a large emphasis on the parts of the Mass that involve music, and it just felt so good to sing. I can actually sing quite well, or so it feels like, when I have someone to follow, and Lena was kind enough to indulge me. Then we went back to our townhouse and played Mafia, where I quickly relearned the game, learned that I'm good at being in the Mafia because I know how to bluff, and then was killed immediately in the last round. This morning came with another craft project, sort of. We made our own low-tech zen rock gardens with salt, glass stones, forks, and interlocking plastic plates. It's so relaxing to play with something so simple and reflect on the message of the day. I wish I had a schedule where I could go to daily Mass and participate in the activities that the community has always done that I love. Belltower prayer, lexio, dinner and discussion, and of course our evening Mass every Sunday. It's just frustrating that I can't be there with that feeling of belonging. I want to go back up there, as soon as I can.

The other noteworthy thing about today is that it's my 24th birthday. I was glad to spend it with my friends, and even more glad that my family and all the friends I didn't get to see made a point of calling or messaging me to say Happy Birthday. I didn't expect any major recognition, but I'm glad I got it. It's always nice to feel loved. I don't care so much about the gifts, since there's not a lot I really want right now, but I did get asked what I wanted, and I expect some birthday cards in the mail this week, as well as some packages. 24 isn't a bad age to be, though I feel like I want to be further along in my life right now. Just some more incentive to save my money and go back to school. Happy Birthday to me, at any rate.

Someone Special

Now that I've stopped being lazy and finally uploaded my Christmas pictures, I can finally share the ones of someone really special in my life: my godson. Lucas is five years old, and although he was an unexpected surprise in our family, he's really special to all of us, because we recognize how lucky we are to have him. I was so honored when my cousin asked me to baptize him, and my uncle and I worked hard to pick his middle name, which ended up being Alejandro. I love spending time with him and playing with him and talking to him about how his life is. He loves cars, trains, and basically anything with wheels, is a very typical, active, lively little boy, and very bright. He has a mechanical mind and likes to figure out how things work. Until recently his life revolved around Thomas the Tank Engine, but now he's getting into Cars, Spiderman, Hotwheels, and fourwheelers. He's also in pre-K and learning how to read, and I want to encourage him as much as I can. Books are something I will never deny buying for a child, especially him. I also want to do the best I can to set a good example and teach him spiritually, since that's what I agreed to do when I agreed to be his godmother. I want him to grow up knowing and loving God, and knowing that God loves him too. I was so happy when I was in Japan to hear from my aunt that his nightly prayers, immediately following his bedtime story, included "...and please take care of my nina far away in Japan." Not that he knows where or what Japan is, but I brought him back a Japanese picture dictionary, and he was thrilled to hear and learn words in Japanese. I was excited about that, though we'll see how long the interest sticks. A five-year-old attention span is pretty variable. Anyway, also wanted to share some pictures of him from Christmas. I really do love him.

The End of Training, Birthdays, and Retreat

So yeah...this week marks the end of training for the new program at my job and hopefully the end of my desire to strangle my coworkers with piano wire. I dunno if it's just me, but when I'm surrounded by stupid, inane people who gossip and giggle through the day I get really frustrated with the state of the world. So many people who don't seem to use their brains in the slightest should probably create some kind of vacuum that would destroy the world, if there was any justice. One of many reasons I miss school. I miss the intellectual atmosphere instead of gossip about who is sleeping with who and who said what to who and whose kid did what. A lot of these girls are the ones who either had kids in high school or immediately after high school and never left, so the mentality to me is very closed. I'm making it my goal to get rid of my bills and save up to go to school as quickly as possible. With any luck, if my plans go right, I want to go to Oxford. In the meantime though, expenses pile up. This month is heavy on birthdays, my mum, my sister, and my grandpa, not to mention a few friends. I just ordered a flower arrangement for mum (split cost with my sister) and a very expensive birthday present for my sister. For spending $164 on her, she better get me something cool. But I also know I'll get money for my birthday. Nothing major that I want, some new books, so I'll have plenty saved. My rule is that once it goes into the Savings account, unless it's really a desperate case, like bills, it doesn't get touched.

I'm also glad I have somewhere to go for my birthday this year. I don't have a lot of friends left here at home, so aside from my family, who I love, I wouldn't get to hang out much with people my own age. But thankfully there was an open spot for our school Catholic community retreat, so I can drive up there to spend the weekend with my friends. I miss feeling a part of a community, as I mentioned before, but if I were to go back up to the Springs I would probably feel just as at home going to St. Mary's as I would going to Shove. I'm also looking forward to our retreat topic, since we're discussing the Mass, and it should be fairly low-key. Very relaxing.
Oh yeah...and I'm very annoyed with the post office. Second time they've sent back my friend's Christmas gift, and this time it was damaged. If it survives, it'll be a miracle if he gets it in time for his birthday in June, and even more so if it's in one piece. This time, when I send it again, I'm using UPS. Screw the post office if they can't even deliver a simple little package after two tries.

Voting Confusion and Snow

Hmm...I had an interesting day. Skipped work because the snow was frankly nasty and by a lucky coincidence, was able to vote in the caucus since I wasn't at work. If I'd gone to work today I wouldn't have gotten off work and TKD until 7:30 or so, and wouldn't have made it to vote. I got teased unmercifully by my dad and uncles and pretty much told off by my grandfather for my voting choice, but I'm pretty certain I made the right choice for the candidate who will best address the issues that concern me most. I was actually very confused by the whole thing, since no one ever explained to me how a lot of this works. I'm not a big fan of politics in general, so I'm not exactly the best person to ask for advice, but I know enough to make a coherent decision, I think. I was more confused about things like how often one would have to register to vote. I did when I turned 18, with no question, and voted by absentee ballot through college, but wasn't sure if I had to like, re-register or something, so I was quite relieved to know that I was still registered in our district when I went tonight. Maybe this is one of the things I fell asleep for in US Government, but really, young voters should be educated on the process so they aren't as confused as I am. I'm also really realizing now the political differences in viewpoint between myself and the majority of my family. Every so often I hear them make comments that make me cringe...not that they're naive or anything, but they say things that show me they're somewhat narrow-minded. I've always been the most liberal of my family, but it still hurts to hear them say things like that sometimes. My sister is their little pet, she says what they want to hear, but I always preferred to think for myself.

First Blog

So...first post with my new blog. This is just a test run, so I won't do much more than talk about my weekend, but I had a good one. Went up to C. Springs to see my friends, and I had a great time. I missed being able to hang out with people my age who have my same interests. I went shopping and spent more money than I should have, but got some fun stuff. Mostly anime swag, but some new books too, as if I could resist with a B&N in the vicinity. Also saw a movie with my friends, The Bucket List, which was excellent. Highly recommend it. One of very few films I've ever seen where it made me cry but I left feeling just about joyful. Speaking of joyful, I also got to go to church at St. Mary's Cathedral, which, while not the same as Mass at Shove Chapel with all my school friends, was highly enjoyable. I don't know how exactly to explain it, but it feels more...accessible there, like I can actually be part of the community and feel welcome. Here at home, it's like...a hierarchy, with a group of people doing things because they always have, and they're so set in their rut that they get resentful about anyone stepping in and suggesting any changes. I almost feel intimidated by the church at home. Might be because all the people in charge are the ones who have known me and my parents since we were young, and who at some point in my life scolded me about something or other. I guess I feel like in most of their eyes I'm just a nosy kid still. Oh well. I got to see some of my friends from church too, and that was really a warm feeling, getting to talk with them and hear all the news about my friends.

In fantasy news, hence the title of the blog, I'm rereading my old favorite Terry Pratchett, and delving deeper into the world of Brian Jacques' Redwall books. I've been in a British mood for a while, ever since I had the idea for getting my Masters at Oxford. I'm also listening to Harry Potter in the car now that daddy put in my new CD player...somehow that never gets old. Jim Dale is amazing. I've also been on quite the Pokemon kick lately...I know that doesn't quite measure up to literary fantasy, but I've always enjoyed it, and now I've officially collected all of Indigo League season 1...Johto League is next, hopefully. These 4Kids episodes are so cheesy, but still fun. I feel like such a dork, but a happy dork.